We Still Vacation: Finding Our Way to New Places With Becca

There is something I have learned over the years of parenting Becca: sometimes you have to stop asking, “Can we do this?” and start asking, “How can we make this work for our family?”  Because yes, vacationing with an Autistic child can be hard.

Actually, let me be honest.  Vacationing with a child on the Autism spectrum can be really, really hard.

It can require a level of planning that other families may never have to consider.  There is the food, the sensory environment.  Communication.  Transitions, routines, figuring out what happens when plans change or when a child becomes overwhelmed.  Thinking about what helps your child regulate and making sure you have it with you. Considering bathrooms, breaks, noise, crowds, unfamiliar environments, weather, long car rides,  different sleeping arrangements, and all of the other little things that can turn an ordinary vacation into a very complicated logistical puzzle.

And every child is different.

What makes travel difficult for one Autistic child may be completely different from what makes it difficult for another.  Some children may struggle with crowds or noise.  Others may struggle with changes in routine, unfamiliar foods, transitions, communication, or simply being somewhere that doesn't feel familiar.

For our family, we have learned to plan around Becca.  And sometimes, despite all of that planning, things still don't go according to plan.  But we go anyway, because Becca deserves to experience life.

Vacation Doesn't Have to Look Like Everyone Else's Vacation One of the biggest things I have had to learn is that our vacations don't have to look like anybody else's.  We don't need to pack a schedule from sunrise to sunset; we don't need to see every attraction or force an activity because we already paid for it.  And we certainly don't need to measure the success of a vacation by how many things we managed to check off a list.

Our measure of success is different: Did Becca have a good experience?  Did she find something she enjoyed?  Did she get to experience something new in a way that worked for her?  Did we create a memory?

Sometimes the answer is yes; sometimes the answer is, “She liked the playground but didn't care about the attraction.”  And that's okay too.

We're Taking It One Place at a Time We haven't reached the point where we're hopping on airplanes and traveling halfway around the world with Becca.  We're not there yet.  But that doesn't mean we haven't traveled.  One of the biggest considerations when we travel is something that many families might take for granted: where we're going to stay.  For us, a hotel room isn't just a place to sleep.  It needs to work for Becca.  Food is a huge part of that. Becca eats a very limited selection of foods, which means we can't simply assume we'll be able to find something she will eat when we arrive at our destination.  We bring food from home, and that means we need a way to store it and, often, a way to prepare it.  So when we're looking at hotels, we're looking for things like a refrigerator, a microwave, and ideally a kitchenette.  Those aren't luxury amenities for us.  They're part of what makes the trip possible.  And when we find a hotel that doesn't have what we need?  Well...that's when the hot plate comes out.

Yes, we have literally packed a hot plate from home.  Because that's what parenting an Autistic child can look like.  You make the accommodations yourself when you have to.  You bring the things your child needs so that everyone has a better chance of having a good experience.

We've learned that an overnight trip isn't simply about finding a hotel close to whatever we're visiting.  We have to think about whether the room will work for Becca, whether we can manage her food, whether we have enough space for the things we need to bring, and whether the overall setup makes sense for our family.

Sometimes an overnight stay makes perfect sense.  Sometimes it doesn't.  Sometimes we need a hotel.  Sometimes home is the better place to sleep.  There isn't a single formula.  There is just figuring out what makes sense this time, for this trip, for this family.  So far, we've also intentionally chosen destinations where getting home is still reasonably manageable if we absolutely need to.  That gives us a little bit of a safety net while we're continuing to learn what works for Becca - and what works for us.

Every trip teaches us something.  We learn what part of travel Becca enjoys and what overwhelms her.  We make mental notes of what might have been helpful to pack so we don’t forget next time.  We learn how to make sleep more manageable in an unfamiliar environment.  And perhaps most importantly, we learn that we can do this.

Maybe someday we'll travel much farther.  Maybe we'll get on a plane and wake up somewhere that isn't a few hours' drive from home.  But we're not going to rush there just because somebody else's idea of vacation says we should.  We're building our way there, one trip, one state, one  experience at a time.

Our Vacation Wasn't Perfect, and That's Exactly the Point

During this vacation, we had days where everything seemed to come together beautifully.  There were swings, and duckies, and ice cream, and water, and animals.  There were places where Becca could explore at her own pace.

And there were also moments where we had to adjust.

At Mystic Aquarium, for example, Becca didn't need to experience the aquarium the way another child might. She picked the parts that interested her.  She enjoyed some of the outdoor experiences and the World of Wonders, and we followed her lead.

That is something I have become much more comfortable with.  We don't force the vacation, we let the vacation become what Becca needs it to be.  If she wants to leave, we leave.  If she needs a break, we take a break.  If she only wants to experience one portion of an attraction, then that portion becomes the experience.  And if the thing we planned isn't working, we adjust our plan.  That’s not failure, it’s parenting a child who experiences the world differently and needs us to be flexible.

The Logistics Are Real

I don't want to romanticize this.  There is nothing glamorous about packing for a trip when your child needs a very specific set of things to feel comfortable and regulated.  The car can start looking like we are preparing for the Apocalypse: food, AAC, headphones, a cooler with ice, her clothes, fidgets, toys, bubbles, tablets and chargers, hotspot, her medicine, a tub of Vicks – and whatever else we think we might possibly need because experience has taught us that “you never know” is a very real part of parenting.  Then there is the mental checklist: what do we do if she gets overwhelmed, or if she doesn’t want to participate, what if she becomes dysregulated – are there places where I can calm her down with minimal disruption?  

Traveling with Becca requires us to think several steps ahead.  But planning doesn't mean we are afraid to travel; it simply means that we know our child and want to anticipate her needs in advance so we can all enjoy our time together.  And honestly, I think that's something many parents of Autistic children understand.  We become experts in our own children.  We learn when to push a little and when to back off.  And we learn that sometimes the best plan is the plan we're willing to change.

Sometimes You Have to Break the Routine This is probably one of the hardest parts.  Routine is important.  But life doesn't always stay inside the routine, and neither should our children.

Travel means changing things: getting in the car for longer than usual, eating at different times, maybe sleeping in a hotel, staying out later, doing the unexpected.  We know that every vacation will pose a change in routine for Becca, and that these changes might affect her in ways that we have to prepare for and support her in navigating.  But even with that in mind, we know that it is always worth taking the leap, because if we never step outside the routine, the world becomes very, very small.  And we don't want Becca's world to be small.  We want her to have opportunities to discover what she likes, to experience new places.  And we want to continue to figure out ways to make those experiences possible.

There were times during this vacation when I could have looked at everything we packed, everything we planned, the driving, the money, the schedule changes and thought:  Is this really worth all of this?

But then I see Becca splashing in the water, or feeding a goat and I remember the answer: it is always a resounding YES.  Not because every moment is easy – it isn’t – but it is worth it because she gets to EXPERIENCE.  She gets to discover the things she likes and enjoys, and we get to the discover them with her.

I think sometimes families raising Autistic children can feel like the world wasn't designed with our families in mind.  And honestly?  A lot of the time, it wasn't, so we adapt by finding what makes the most sense for our kiddos.  We plan around their rhythms, take breaks when needed, we leave early or stay late, depending on the mood.  We celebrate every little victory.

Your family's vacation may be a hotel with a kitchenette, or a hot plate packed in the car.  Maybe it's a road trip.  Maybe a day trip or weekend getaway.  It might even be an evening in your backyard with a grill.

It all counts.

Don't Wait for Perfect Conditions

If there is one thing I hope another parent takes away from our experiences, it is this: Don't wait for everything to become easy before you allow yourself to experience life.  It may never become easy.  Our children may always need accommodations, and we may always have to plan more than other families.  But that doesn't mean we have to stay home.

We just have to find our way.

Our vacations may require more preparation.  But they can still be beautiful.  They can still create memories, and they can still be a whole lot of fun.  I don't have a magic formula, and I definitely don't believe that what works for Becca will automatically work for another child.  That's the whole point.  Find what makes sense for your family.  Plan as much as you can.  Prepare for the unexpected.  Give yourself permission to change the plan.

And most importantly, give yourself permission to go.  Choose somewhere that feels manageable.  Choose accommodations that make sense for your family.  Take the food.  Take the headphones.  Take whatever your child needs to be successful.  And then go make a memory.

It may look different.  It may take more work.  It may require more patience than most people will ever understand.  But it is possible.

We still vacation. And we're going to keep finding our way to new places with Becca: one trip, one experience, and one adventure at a time.