Are We Listening?

Recently, I've been seeing advertisement after advertisement for a book that supposedly helps children develop verbal language. And while I'm always interested in learning about ways to support communication, there's something about the messaging in these advertisements that has caught my attention. One of the recurring selling points is that speech-language pathologists (SLPs) don't explain the difference between receptive and expressive language to parents. The advertisements suggest that parents are somehow missing a critical piece of information that these professionals aren't sharing.

I have to disagree with that characterization.

Becca has had several speech-language pathologists throughout her young life, and every single one has discussed receptive and expressive language with us. It's also a fundamental part of the information explored during autism evaluations. This isn't some hidden secret that parents need to purchase a book to discover. But I do think there's an important conversation to be had here. Not necessarily about what these advertisements are selling, but about how we understand language in the first place. Because I think we sometimes get so caught up in the expectation that language should eventually produce spoken words that we overlook the many ways children are already communicating with us.

And that deserves a closer look.

Receptive Language vs. Expressive Language: What's the Difference?

Let's start with the basics.

Receptive language is our ability to understand language. It's what we take in. It includes understanding spoken words, directions, questions, gestures, and other forms of communication.

Expressive language is our ability to communicate thoughts, needs, feelings, and ideas to others. It's what we put out. This can happen through spoken words, signs, gestures, writing, or an augmentative and alternative communication (AAC) device.

The two are related, but they aren't the same thing. A child may understand considerably more than they can express. Another child may have an expressive vocabulary but struggle with understanding certain instructions, questions, or concepts. Some children have significant differences between their receptive and expressive abilities. Receptive language is an important foundation for expressive language development. Children learn language through meaningful interactions, exposure, repetition, modeling, and opportunities to communicate. But language development isn't a simple, one-directional process where one skill is mastered and the next automatically follows. Receptive and expressive language continue to develop together, and children don't all follow the same developmental path. And here's where I think we need to broaden the conversation. What exactly are we considering language?

If It Isn't Spoken, Does It Count?

Absolutely.

We need to stop treating spoken words as the only meaningful evidence of communication.

Think about all the ways we communicate with one another every single day without necessarily saying a word.

We raise an eyebrow. We shake our heads. We point. We wave. We shrug. We smile. We turn away. We reach for something. We make a face when something doesn't taste right.

We communicate constantly, often without even thinking about it. So why do we sometimes struggle to recognize these same forms of communication in our children?

Gestures are communication. A child reaching toward you, extending their arms to be picked up, or pushing something away is communicating.

Pointing is communication. A child pointing toward a favorite toy, a snack, or something interesting is directing your attention and expressing an interest or request.

AAC is language. An augmentative and alternative communication device is not a substitute for language. It is a means of accessing and expressing language. A child selecting a word, building a sentence, or navigating their device to communicate an idea is using language.

Body language is communication. Facial expressions, posture, eye gaze, movement, and physical responses can tell us things that spoken words cannot.

Crying is communication. It can communicate distress, discomfort, frustration, pain, exhaustion, or a need for help. We may not immediately know which one, but that doesn't make the communication any less real.

Behavior is communication. A child who becomes overwhelmed, withdraws, refuses an activity, or begins to cry may be communicating something they cannot otherwise express. Not every behavior has an obvious message, and we shouldn't assume we know what a child is trying to tell us. But we should be willing to look beyond the behavior itself and consider what might be happening underneath it.

These are not all technically the same thing as language. But they are all part of the much bigger picture of communication.

And that distinction matters.

What This Looks Like in Our House

If you've followed The Becca Chronicles for any length of time, you know that Becca is non-speaking and uses AAC to communicate. We've spent years learning about her communication, celebrating her progress, and finding ways to help her express herself. But I would be doing her a disservice if I suggested that her AAC device tells the entire story. It doesn't. Becca communicates in so many ways.

She points. She reaches. She smiles. She laughs. She hums. She makes facial expressions that tell us exactly how she feels about something. She sometimes answers a happy question with a very enthusiastic "yeah." And sometimes, she communicates through tears, frustration, or a change in behavior.

There are moments when she can tell us what she wants but cannot tell us what is wrong. There are times when she needs something and doesn't have an accessible way to explain what that something is. Sometimes the very thing she most needs to communicate is the thing she cannot communicate with words or her device in that moment. That doesn't mean she has nothing to say. It means we have to work harder to understand.

We have to observe. We have to consider the environment, the circumstances, what happened before, and what might be contributing to what we're seeing. We have to learn her. And, perhaps most importantly, we have to remember that communication is not solely the responsibility of the person trying to communicate. It is also the responsibility of the person receiving the message.

The Problem With Measuring Communication by Spoken Words

I worry that we sometimes measure a child's communication progress by counting spoken words. How many words do they say? Can they request something verbally? Can they answer questions? Are they putting two words together? Are they speaking in sentences? These are legitimate areas of language development to assess, and for children who are working toward spoken language, those goals can be meaningful. But they are not the entire picture.

A child who uses AAC to tell you they want a particular song has communicated.

A child who points to a picture to make a choice has communicated.

A child who reaches for your hand to ask for help has communicated.

A child who turns away from a loud environment may be communicating that the sensory experience is too much.

And a child who cannot find a way to tell you what hurts is still experiencing pain, even if they cannot name it.

We cannot make spoken language the price of admission for being heard, understood, or taken seriously. Nor should we assume that a child who doesn't speak doesn't understand what is happening around them. Understanding and expressing are different abilities. We need to be careful not to confuse a child's difficulty expressing something with an inability to understand it.

Maybe We Need to Become Better Listeners

I am not suggesting that we abandon speech therapy, stop working toward communication goals, or disregard the importance of spoken language for children who are developing it. Not at all. I'm grateful for the speech-language pathologists who have worked with Becca and helped us better understand her communication. I'm grateful for the tools, strategies, and opportunities they've given her. But I do think we need to challenge the idea that communication only becomes meaningful when it sounds like something we recognize. We spend so much time teaching children how to communicate with us. We teach them to point, sign, use pictures, navigate AAC devices, make choices, request help, and express their needs. But are we spending enough time teaching ourselves how to recognize those efforts?

Are we paying attention when a child turns away?

Are we considering that a refusal might be an attempt to communicate discomfort?

Are we recognizing that a smile, a gesture, a sound, or a movement can carry meaning?

Are we giving children enough time to communicate without rushing to fill the silence?

And when they communicate differently than we expect, are we actually listening?

Because communication doesn't always come with a voice. It doesn't always come in the form of a recognizable word or a neatly constructed sentence. Sometimes it's a point. Sometimes it's a gesture. Sometimes it's a look. Sometimes it's a sound. Sometimes it's a tear. And sometimes, it's a behavior that requires us to slow down, observe, and figure out what our child might be telling us.

Language is more than spoken words. Communication is more than language. And being able to listen means being willing to recognize both.

Our children shouldn't have to learn to communicate exclusively in ways that make sense to us. We have to expand our understanding, too.

Because they have something to say. We just have to learn how to listen.