Spectrum Support: Ten Essential Behavior Strategies to Try

Happy New Year!

This weekend, my husband and I attended a leadership summit, which was an amazing event. The event itself was a full day of panel discussions, conferences and role play aimed at improving our leadership skills. It was a six-hour event, without childcare. We packed a bag for Becca, included her lunch and snacks, sensory fidgets, her cartoons, a busy book - everything that could keep her occupied for the duration of the event. She sat with us during the event, and was so well-behaved and people could not even tell that she was in the room. After the event, our fellow attendees commented on how well she did, and of course we told her how proud of her we were.

Becca is generally well-behaved; she is able to self-regulate and is even able to sit for long bus rides or car trips. We recently took a long ride on a chartered bus to Washington, D.C. to visit the Museum of the Bible. Becca had a great time on the bus, with zero meltdowns. And once again, people told us how impressed they were with her behavior.

But all of this good behavior does not come without a lot of hard work and implementation of carefully crafted strategies that take into consideration Becca's developmental age and sensory needs. And with some intentionality, it is possible to implement small strategies that add up to large gains. Here are ten strategies that have worked for us.

1. Understand your child's developmental age - it may not be the same as the chronological age. This is where the CDC milestones can be truly helpful. Review the list of milestones and find the age where your child is doing most of the items of the list. This can help you set developmentally appropriate goals and expectations, especially if your child has developmental delays.

2. Make expectations clear, short and concrete. Becca has challenges with language, so we show her a visual and give concrete directions. Rather than saying, "it would be great if you can put the toy back into the box", we say "pick up" while picking up the toys, or "clean up", or "put the toy in the box" while modeling the behavior. This allows Becca to truly understand what we are asking her to do.

3. Be consistent with your expectations and follow through. Once we communicate with Becca what we expect of her, "first do x, then we can do y" - if Becca does x, then I make sure to do y.

4. Use Timers and Visuals whenever possible. Becca does not always do well with transitions, especially if we are engaged in an activity that she is really enjoying. So we give her warning when we are about to transition, and we time it accordingly. Becca gets a 10-minute, 5-minute and 2-minute warning, and I have found this to be even more effective when I have been able to incorporate a timer. I tell her when this rings, it means we are going to clean up. Allowing her time to mentally prepare herself to transition has shown to be truly helpful.

5. Always have on hand options to redirect. If Becca is engaging in undesired behaviors, rather than simply asking her to stop, we ask her to stop and give her something acceptable instead. For instance, when Becca was younger she used to rock herself anywhere she sat - on the floor, on the couch, on every chair. She was unable to sit still anywhere. What we did was that we got several options for her - a rocking chair, a spinning chair, a swing, a vibrating plate - all options that engage her senses. So when she would rock or fidget in her seat, we would redirect her to one of the sensory chair options. Making her rocking functional has over time allowed her to find more acceptable ways of getting the input that she needs. Similarly, as a person who has pica, Becca likes to put everything in her mouth. This is obviously not safe, and so we purchased chew toys and vibrating wands for her mouth so that if she starts to put something in her mouth that she shouldn't, we have an alternative to give her that IS acceptable to put in her mouth. Having items available for redirection has gone a long way in preventing behaviors that are undesired, and now, Becca knows what items to go for if she wants to put something in her mouth.

6. Be stern when it is warranted. It may take longer for Autistic children, especially those who have difficulties with language, to understand expectations, but if they are engaging in behaviors that are harmful or dangerous to themselves or others, we sometimes have to be stern in our correction. This requires balance and knowledge of what the child understands, but if we can correct very young children who have limited understanding and don't quite know how to talk yet, we can also correct our Autistic children who may also have limited understanding. We love them, and we are there for them, but we also have to correct them when correction is needed. Correct and redirect when necessary and appropriate.

7. Know the difference between a temper tantrum and a sensory meltdown. This is quite important. A temper tantrum is usually done to force the parent to give the child his or her way, or for attention. When Becca is throwing a tantrum, my response to her is usually, "I don't fight with six-year-olds". She has learned over time that throwing a tantrum will not get her what she wants - and I will typically ignore a tantrum because I don't want her to have the reinforcement of getting attention in that way. So I don't engage. A sensory meltdown, on the other hand, requires support, and it cannot be disciplined away. So when Becca has a sensory meltdown, I sit with her, I make sure she's safe, I address her sensory needs, and I help her through it. Sensory meltdowns resemble temper tantrums, but the meltdowns are usually a result of overstimulation, so the best way to reduce these is to avoid overstimulation in the first place.

8. Give space to be social, on their own terms. There are days when Becca is happy to interact with others, and other days that she just wants to be left alone. Sometimes, in the same interaction, she may need to take a break or be alone before she is ready to come back and play. For Autistic individuals, we need to allow quiet time to recharge, to self-regulate, and to not force social interactions on people who have trouble socializing. We do not force Becca to look at anybody in the eye, we do not discourage stimming or vocalizations, and if she does not want to interact with someone, we do not force her to. We do require that she be respectful at all times, which may include a wave hello, or a greeting from her AAC tablet. But allowing her the space to socialize on her own terms has allowed her to be more comfortable with interacting with others, and has minimized instances of frustration and anxiety often associated with social interactions, especially for individuals who have communication challenges.

9. Make space to accommodate sensory needs. You might have to ask about certain arrangements ahead of time to know what to pack in your child's bag, you might have to make adjustments to certain activities at get-togethers to enable your child to participate. Your child may like to smear slime or shaving cream or peanut butter, so it is helpful to incorporate activities into your time with your child that allow them to get messy. We put a giant plastic mat on the floor, cover the tables, and pull out the Cool Whip, food coloring, paints, glitter, hair gel, anything that Becca can squeeze or spread. We put on clothes that we don't care if she gets them dirty and let her go to town. If your child doesn't like to wear clothes, find time in the day where it is acceptable for them to go without them for a while. The idea is to allow structured ways for your child to get the sensory input they need to be well-regulated. Allowing Becca to dirty her skin and clothes may create more work for me since I have to clean it all, but it also allows Becca to address her sensory needs and reduces our chances of meltdowns later. It also allows me to spend time with Becca in ways that she enjoys - and has allowed us to learn that Becca is an incredible artist. Sometimes we just need to pick and choose our battles.

10. Be calm. Even despite our best efforts, all children will have behavior challenges at some point. Add to that the challenges associated with Autism, and it is very easy to lose our cool or to panic during a meltdown or some other behavioral issue. Understand that our children pick up on our behavior. Our anxiety only feeds theirs. In our panic, we may actually make the behaviors worse as the child begins to feel anxious, scared, angry, embarrassed, or sad. We have to remember that children with Autism are not choosing to act in a way that is frustrating to us or anyone else. They legitimately need positive support from us to help them meet their emotional and behavioral needs.

Keep in mind, this is not an exhaustive list and what works for us with Becca will not work with every child as Becca's challenges are not universal to all children with Autism. But if you try any of these, we would love to hear how they work for you. We have been using these strategies with Becca for some time, and so she is used to our approach and knows what is expected of her. But know that if you attempt these strategies for the first time, you may not see change as quickly as you ‘d like. Your child will not be used to your new techniques and may even push harder due to the sudden change in your behavior. But as I have said in previous posts, consistency is key and is the most important factor that will influence your child's outcomes over time. It may be hard, but it is absolutely worth it.

Check out my other blog posts relating to the sensory, overstimulation and meltdowns! Autistic Meltdown or Temper Tantrum?  August 30, 2024

Getting Started with Visual Schedules November 9, 2024

Sensory Seeking v. Sensory Avoiding Behaviors February 8, 2025 Too Much of A Good Thing July 24, 2025